Someone passed away this year that affected my life as a 13-20 year-old young man. Functionally, we had no formal relationship. He was simply the father of a good friend. But, practically speaking, he impacted my life. Our group of friends loved hanging out at his house and hearing his stories and insights on life. He was truly big - larger than life. I’ve thought about that a lot this year. How can I be that kind of man and father?
Sometimes the most impacting people in your life do not serve a practical purpose. They may not be ministry donors, employers, sports coaches, or formal mentors. There is a deeper way to impact lives - by imparting identity.
Imparting identity is a way of kingdom living. A couple of stories, and a couple of truths, come to mind. These are the kinds of conversations and opportunities we have as leaders to impart identity as young people.
A Trip to The Ice Cream Store
I think of my friends’s father, the one who passed away.
He took a group of our friends to Häagen-Dazs ice cream. It was kind of a random place to go. I think we were there in hope of bumping into some girls. Anyway, he pulled me aside and told me about his health journey, and the decision he had made in his 40’s to look after his health and take care of himself. It is a conversation, that for some reason, is etched in my mind. He gave me permission to take care of myself. “I have permission to take care of myself.” How’s that for a powerful truth over ice cream?
A Quick Visit to a Club Sponsor’s Office
I remember visiting a club sponsor’s office in university. The meeting was supposed to be tactical and the agenda was discussing a parade or some other “college leadership” type of challenge. The meeting was productive. I think the sponsor could tell that I was lacking in a bit of confidence. I’ll never forget how he ended the meeting. The sponsor said this, “You can do this. You’re the kind of person who’ll be advising great leaders once day.” You are a trusted - that’s an identity statement. He went the extra mile and spoke identity.
A Handwritten Letter
“I write to you… young men…” (1 John 2)
These days, we don’t get many letters. I was particularly early on the email trend and kind of stopped writing things down. When I achieved my Eagle Scout award, I received one hand written letter. It was from a family friend. To be honest, it was one of the most eloquent and impactful letters I believe I have ever received. I remember a similar letter I received one day from my parent’s good friend and financial advisor. Here’s the identity message - “people notice my leadership.” '
When the world zigs (goes digital) the power can be when we zag (go analog). A handwritten encouragement can be particularly meaningful to teenagers who are crossing a life milestone.
Summary
In his modern masterpiece Iron John, Robert Bly writes that young men, for example, are not truly initiated by systems or schooling… they’re initiated by elders, often through story, challenge, and personal presence.
These elders don’t make big speeches. They create identity moments. A naming, a blessing, a reframing.
“Where a boy is not initiated into the fire by the older men, he will burn down the village just to feel the heat.” —African Proverb (quoted in Iron John)
The same goes for young people today. They don’t just need advice. They need identity.
When we think of imparting identity to young people, we think of our own children. That’s so important. But the above examples all speak of the greater constellation of relationships in our lives. If you have teens or young people in your life, you have a great opportunity to impart identity.
If you’re around teenagers or young adults, you’re in position.
Speak words that name them.
Tell stories that frame their future.
Write a note.
Take them to ice cream.
Remind them who they are.
You have power to impart identity.