In today’s culture, offense is everywhere. From social media to casual conversations, it feels like everyone’s ready to be offended. But what is offense really about? And why does it hit us so hard?
At its core, offense reveals something deeper—it hits our identity button. When someone offends us, it’s usually because their words or actions contradict something deeply tied to our sense of self.
Offense: The Big Red Button
Remember the Staples “Easy Button.” I like to picture a big red button labeled “offense.”
One habit I am trying to cultivate is - when someone says or does something that upsets me, I imagine that button in front of me and ask:
Is it worth hitting?
Is this reaction really about what happened, or is it revealing something about my values?
Jesus told us offense would come. In Luke 17:1, He said:
"It is impossible that no offenses should come..."
If it’s impossible to avoid offense, then how we handle it becomes crucial. Remember the easy button. Offense is the natural, easier response. But is it the right response? Offense can either pull us into emotional chaos or become an opportunity for growth. We have two choices when offended:
React: This is the knee-jerk response. You hit the red button. You get upset, retaliate, and let the offense control your mood.
Create: This is where you pause and use the offense as an opportunity to explore your values, reflect on why you're triggered, or even repair a relationship. Offense becomes a tool for personal growth.
The purpose of this reflection is to move you to a place of creativity and growth when feeling offended.
Signs That Your Offense Is Connected to Your Identity
When offense hits hard, it’s usually because it’s pushing on something tied to your sense of identity. Here’s how you know:
It feels deeply personal – The offense isn’t just about the situation; it feels like an attack on who you are.
It challenges a core value – Something central to your beliefs or way of life has been questioned or disrespected.
You can’t let it go – The offense keeps replaying in your mind, and it’s hard to move on.
You feel the need to defend – You feel compelled to justify or explain yourself, proving why you’re right.
It triggers an emotional response – Whether it’s anger, sadness, or frustration, the intensity of your reaction is a clue.
Cognitive dissonance theory, developed by Leon Festinger, explains that people strive for internal consistency. So, when someone offends us, it can create dissonance between our self-concept and the external reality. How we resolve this tension—reacting emotionally or creatively—affects whether we grow or remain stuck.
When someone presses your identity button, it’s an opportunity to learn.
Ask yourself:
Why does this offend me?
What part of my identity is being challenged?
Is this something I truly value, or is it exposing an insecurity?
Offense can be a mirror, revealing areas where your sense of self is strong or where it’s fragile. This is called negative formation. God allows challenges into our life to reveal our core values and where we sill need to grow.
It’s not fun, but it’s important.
Biblical Wisdom on Offense
Offense doesn’t just hurt your feelings; it damages your soul and spirit if unchecked. Proverbs 19:11 says:
"Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense."
Rather than letting offense grow into bitterness, choose the higher path of grace. We’re called to guard our hearts—the very seat of our identity.
As St. John Chrysostom said:
"No one can harm the man who does himself no wrong."
Offense only takes root if you allow it. If you guard your heart, rooted in Christ, no offense can throw you off course.
Choosing to remain un-offended doesn’t mean that what the person did was right. Offense is not about morality, it’s about our response to injustice. Can we let it go? When feeling offended, we do well to remember what Paul said about those that deserted him and did him harm:
“May it not be held against them.”
- 2 Timothy 4:16
Turning Offense into a Creative Opportunity
Next time someone presses your identity button, don’t hit the red button. Instead, choose to create:
Use it as a mirror to reflect on your values.
Let it reveal areas where you can grow in grace.
See if there’s a chance to build a bridge or deepen a relationship. Other potential responses include: doing internal work, having a conversation about values in your organization or relationship, drawing a boundary, or choosing an necessary ending.
Staying un-offended will allow you to remain clear and know the best course of action, rather than giving into emotional volatility.
As Proverbs 4:23 says:
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
This is about ensuring that offense doesn’t hijack your identity. It’s about responding creatively, knowing that your identity in Christ is secure.
Don’t Hit the Easy Button
Offense is inevitable, but how you respond is what matters. When you feel tempted to hit the red button, ask yourself: Is this an opportunity to grow?
React and let offense control you, or
Create and use it as a tool for transformation.